Boy Love: A Trio of ElevenRory Slash Fics
by The Impossible Slashtronaut
Summary: The title says it all. My first three Eleven/Rory fics in one tidy package!
1. The Kiss of A Madman

** This fic was written for one of my best friends in the whole universe, StrangeWomanWithBananaCandy. Eleven/Rory is my OTP, and I always wanted to write a fic about them. Enjoy! Doctor Who does not belong to me. If it did, I'd buy Matt Smith's hand in marriage.**

"What's wrong with me, Doctor?"

Amy Pond was tucked in bed onboard the TARDIS, looking quite ill. The Doctor examined her closely.

"It seems you have Space AIDS," said the Doctor curiously.

"SPACE AIDS? Wait, what?" shouted Amy.

"How in the name of Rassilon did you contract it?" asked the Doctor.

"Wasn't me, I swear," said Rory shakily, entering the bedroom with a tray with soup, "I used protection."

"Space AIDS isn't contracted through sex, Rory!" exclaimed the Doctor, slapping Rory on the back, making him drop the tray right onto Amy's bed, spilling lukewarm soup on the blankets, "Unlike Earth AIDS, it's contracted by virus and usually goes away after a few days, not unlike the Earth common cold rhinovirus. Unfortunately, unlike the Earth common cold it's highly contagious to women only and will rarely, if ever, turn into Space Toxic Shock Syndrome and kill you. There's nothing much to worry about, except whether you're properly hydrated and rested. I guess this means Rory and I are going to have to bumble through some misadventure or two by ourselves while you recuperate."

"Yeah, the Doctor and I have to bumble through some misadventure or two by ourselves – wait, WHAT? Doctor, I can't just leave my wife here on the TARDIS, she could get Space Toxic Shock Syndrome and die like you said! I need to stay behind –"

"Rory, you're going out with the Doctor. I don't want to give you any disease I have, " said Amy sternly, "even if it is just a galactic version of a common cold with a rather unsettling name. Plus, I'd rather stay here in bed and eat soup and watch TV."

"Well, have fun being sick then, Amy! Get well soon!" said the Doctor cheerily, and pulled Rory's sleeve. "Come on, Rory, we've got a misadventure on our hands!"

"Well, bye, Amy," said Rory somewhat sadly, following the Doctor down the stairs into the main console room and shutting the bedroom door behind him.

"Now, where would you like to go, Rory?" asked the Doctor, turning some knobs and pressing some buttons on the TARDIS console. "We could go to the Crystal Ruins of Mokalvar 9, or watch the sun set on the beaches of Pago Pago, or bother Snape –"

"I'm rather hungry actually," said Rory. "I could use a nice dinner for once."

"A nice dinner you say? I know the nicest restaurant in the galaxy – "

"Doctor, you don't have to spend a lot of money on me, it's not like we're going on a date –"

"Too late!" said the Doctor maniacally, lifting a lever and sending the TARDIS on its way through time and space.

"GERONIMOOOOOOOOOO!"

_ Vworp! Vworp! Vworp!_

"We've landed! Get something nice on, will ya?" The Doctor began taking off his jacket, shirt, pants and tie in front of Rory.

"This is the nicest thing I brought with me, Doctor," said Rory somewhat awkwardly, gesturing to his blue plaid shirt and red vest ensemble.

"You look great, then!" said the now-shirtless Doctor approvingly. Rory just stared.

"But really, don't you think you should go into the ship's dressing room or something to get dressed..."

"We're all men here, aren't we, Mr. Pond? Don't get so worked up, it's not like you've never seen a man naked before," said the Doctor cheerily, now standing completely bare at the main console. Rory just continued staring...

"Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get my fanciest suit out of the closet. Meet you back here in a few minutes!" Giving Rory a quick kiss on the cheek, the now-naked Doctor began walking up the stairs toward his dressing room.

"_My God, I'm going out to dinner with an absolute madman..."_ thought Rory, staring at the Doctor's naked backside as he walked up the stairs, "_an absolutely gorgeous madman with __quite__ the box..._"

Minutes later the Doctor returned from his dressing room in a velvet suit coat, a top hat, and silk pants. "How do I look, Rory?"

"...gorgeous," ejaculated Rory, staring at the Doctor's rather foppish outfit.

"You think so? Well thank you! The last time I wore this must have been nearly forty years ago."

"Can we go eat now?" asked Rory, hungrily.

"Of course, my dear," said the Doctor, opening the doors of the TARDIS and leading Rory outside.

As the Doctor shut the TARDIS doors behind him, Rory looked around. They were definitely not on Earth, as the sky above was deep purple and glittering with millions of turquoise stars. The restaurant (or what was supposed to be the restaurant, anyway,) in front of them looked more like a library or a museum than an eating establishment; with marble columns and large gold-plated statues of two-headed lions it reminded him more of London than here... wherever here was –

"Where are we, Doctor?" asked Rory.

"This is the planet Tantric, in the Rhipidistian galaxy of the constellation Deonidas," explained the Doctor, "home of the greatest restaurant in the universe. I hope you enjoy your meal." The Doctor took Rory's hand and began to walk up the stairs to the entrance.

"I certainly will..." said Rory dreamily, gripping the Doctor's hand tighter as they walked inside.

As they entered the rather busy restaurant (which was surprisingly smaller on the inside) the Doctor and Rory were greeted by a bored-looking Sontaran in a tuxedo. Upon seeing the Sontaran, Rory's expression turned from giddy dreaminess to panic and rage. His hand, vice-like, clenched around the Doctor's hand even tighter. He tried to look calm and forced a smile onto his face.

"How many?" inquired the Sontaran, looking curiously at the Doctor's outfit in contrast with Rory's.

"Two, please; my boyfriend and I are having a night out –"

Rory's hand gripped the Doctor's even tighter than before; his fingernails dug angrily into the Time Lord's hand.

"Boyfriend? Doctor, I am NOT your boyfriend!" whispered Rory through clenched teeth, his face still in a forced smile. The Doctor kicked Rory lightly in the shin.

"Yes, you are. Just play along," whispered the Doctor, also through a clenched-teeth smile, "Now, where's our table?"

"Follow me, sir."

The Sontaran led them to a table surrounded by other tables filled with various alien races eating dinner. He handed them menus and walked away. As soon as the two sat down and the Sontaran was out of sight, Rory released his grip and began throttling the Doctor.

"Doctor, what the hell? Sontarans are supposed to evil! What's wrong with this place?"

"Calm down, Rory... people are staring at us," whispered the Doctor, as the aliens sitting around them, seemingly on cue, began to stare.

"No... this place is TOO WEIRD. Doctor, I've seen a lot over the past few weeks, and this is ridiculous. I mean, a restaurant at the end of the universe? This is like a Douglas Adams novel – "

"Rory... they're staring..."

"I don't care, Doctor, this is crazy. First you strip in front of me, then you put on a velvet suitcoat like some sort of Victorian dandy, then you whisk me away to a fancy restaurant where we're probably going to get drunk on bubbly and end up singing a bad acapella karaoke rendition of something by Westlife–"

"Rory! Shut up and – just kiss me, Rory! They're staring at us."

"Wait, wha–"

Before he could even finish his reaction, the Doctor pulled Rory up to his face and planted a kiss on his lips. Rory felt tingly and punch-drunk the moment their lips met. All his anger, past and present, at the Doctor felt as if it had simply washed away... he was surprised... this kiss felt even better than all the times when Amy did the exact same thing... the world around him melted away as the only thing keeping him buoyed to this moment was the kiss of the Doctor, the warm, wonderful kiss of the wonderful madman with a wonderful box and a cool bowtie and a ridiculously awesome fez...

Meanwhile, back in the TARDIS, Amy lay in bed, eating soup and watching TV.

She was watching a show on BBC called "Doctor Who" that featured characters remarkably similar to her own life, even featuring a young girl named Amy with a similar obsession with a raggedy Doctor.

"What the hell is this crap?" shouted Amy, throwing her soup spoon at the TV. "These people are illegally telling my life story, and they don't even use good actors; I mean, really, who is this Karen Gillan poser? She doesn't look anything like me. I give them credit, though, whoever cast this Matt Smith person as the Doctor did a brilliant job... he's bloody gorgeous." As the show continued, Amy continued to rant. "This Arthur Darvill person has no right playing my husband... his nose is too big! And who in the name of God is responsible for all this?" Amy fast-forwarded through the show and managed to catch the credits in time to catch his name.

"Steven Moffat..." Amy whispered. "Steven Moffat... he must _die_..."


	2. Streetlights, People

**This is a pseudo-continuation of "Kiss of a Madman," my other Eleven/Rory fic. Doctor Who is not my property, and neither is the work of the great 80's rock band Journey, whom I quote from in this fic. If I owned Doctor Who or the right to all Journey music, I'd be a billionaire.**

"Amy! We're back!"

Rory and the Doctor stumbled into the TARDIS clinging to each other, clearly drunk. The Doctor pulled his sonic screwdriver out of his suitcoat pocket and began to sing into it like a microphone.

"_DON'T STOP BELIEVING! HOLD ON TO THAT FEEEEELINNNG! STREETLIGHTS! PEOPLE! OOOHHHHH-OOHHHH-OHHHH!"_ howled the Doctor, obviously off-key.

"Bravo, bravo!" said Rory drunkenly, patting the Doctor on the back. "Come here, you!" Rory kissed the Doctor on the nose. Rather than fighting him off, the Doctor returned the favor and kissed Rory's mouth again.

The Doctor and Rory laughed and fell to the floor in a tight embrace as the Doctor continued singing Journey off-key into his sonic screwdriver.

"_When the lights go down in the cityyyyyyy…."_

Rory grabbed the sonic screwdriver and joined in the Doctor's drunken Journey tribute.

_ "And the suuuunnnnn shines on the baaaaayyyyyy…" _

_ "Ooh, I want to be there in my citaaaayyyyyyy….. Oh, ohhh, ohhhhhhh…."_ The Doctor and Rory finished their drunken rendition of "Lights" and laughed heartily.

"Ohhh, Doctor, you're a _wonderful_ singer…" purred Rory, rubbing the Doctor's shoulders like a masseuse.

"You're not too shabby yourself," said the Doctor, hiccuping.

"Oh, you," said Rory half-teasingly, "you're a madman. An absolutely brilliant madman."

"Why… why thank you," stammered the Doctor, quite pleased in his drunken stupor.

"We should… we should… maybe we should get undressed?" yawned Rory, still drunk.

"Oh, yes, Rory, we can get undressed and then we can put on our footy pajamas…"

"Doctor, we don't… we don't have footy pajamas…"

"And then we can drink milk and cookies and have a pillow fight…" the Doctor was clearly drunk, talking himself into a prepubescent stupor of sorts. He closed his eyes and fell fast asleep, still terribly drunk.

"Oh, Doctor…" smiled Rory, grabbing the Doctor's hands and dragging him up the stairs, "what _will_ we ever do with you?"


	3. Everyone Remembers the Stripper

**Time for a silly little one-shot! I love writing Eleven/Rory. I was thinking about the stripper cake moment in "The Vampires of Venice" and came up with this idea. Enjoy, mon choux!**

"Happy Birthday, Doctor!"

It seemed like nearly every good person in the universe the Doctor had ever known was aboard the TARDIS – Sarah Jane Smith, River Song, Liz 10, the Brigadier. (Even Captain Jack Harkness showed up – too bad he was passed out after drinking thirty absinthe shots in a row.) The Doctor and Amy were paraded in on a large chaise being carried by K9, wearing a special birthday fez Amy bought him.

"Ah, thank you, everyone!" said the Doctor ecstatically, rubbing his hands together. He jumped off the chaise and ended up falling on his face. He picked himself and his fez up off the floor with relative ease, a happy grin on his face. "I've already received one great present," said the Doctor, high-fiving Amy, "and I can't wait to see what else my dear friends have gotten me. But first, food."

He walked over the sofa to the buffet table and made himself a plate piled high with fish fingers and custard, Jammie Dodgers, and Jelly Babies. He promptly ate it, gave a loud belch, and sat down on the sofa next to passed-out Jack. The Doctor patted his head. "Good to see ya, mate."

Suddenly, a trumpet sounded, and a giant cake decorated with Jelly Babies was wheeled in. The Doctor smiled wide, yet couldn't help but feel a bit of déjà vu.

"Hey, Amy… Where's Rory?" asked the Doctor.

"I don't know," said Amy, shrugging. "But who cares, let's partaayyyyyyy!" Amy was clearly drunk on the absinthe that Jack brought.

As the Doctor sat puzzled, some romantic striptease music began to emanate out of the TARDIS sound system. Amy burped and fell down onto the sofa, drunkenly laughing herself until she passed out. River and Liz 10 were also drunk on absinthe, laughing like hyenas at some unfunny joke.

"Happy birthday, Doctor!"

The top of the cake burst open and out came Rory, wearing tight leather pants and a bowtie. He stepped out of the cake and thrusted his hips at the Doctor. The Doctor's smile grew wider and he began to laugh.

Rory laughed. "You like it, Doctor? It's a tribute to that time you were the stripper at my bachelor party!"

The Doctor grabbed the bottle of absinthe out of passed-out Jack's hand and downed it in one gulp. He motioned Rory over to his lap.

"Sit on my lap, will ya?" asked the Doctor drunkenly. Rory obliged his request, and walked over to the Doctor's lap, which he promptly sat in.

"Come here, you sexy beast," said the Doctor. He pulled Rory close and kissed him hard on the mouth. Rory tasted the forbidden green liquor on the Doctor's tongue; it made him feel oddly warm and wonderful inside. Rory kissed the Doctor back, their lips connected as if by some perfect chemical magnetism. The Doctor's liquor-sweet mouth did not resist; he returned Rory's kiss with even more force. After a while they broke apart; their mouths were tingly with passion and absinthe.

"You are the best birthday present ever, Rory," said the Doctor, holding Rory in his arms. "Don't you ever forget that."

"I won't," said Rory.

"You better not forget," whispered the Doctor, and kissed Rory again, the romantic music still piping overhead.


End file.
